What makes a parent?

Couple holding baby

Being a parent will probably be the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, and the toughest responsibility.

The parenting challenge

Being a parent means creating a loving, safe environment for your children as they grow from baby to toddler, right through to the teenage years. You'll need different skills for each stage, but at all times your child will depend on you. You'll become the expert on your child and on what they need to grow into happy, healthy adults. Loving your child, with no strings attached, is the most important thing you can do. But you'll also have to make a huge number of decisions about the best way to bring up your child. Of course this responsibility brings joy and excitement - but it can be overwhelming, frustrating or even boring at times. Most people manage these emotional and practical challenges with a mixture of love, help from relatives and friends, good advice, common sense and luck.

Did you know?

Parents with young children worry most about their child's sleep and eating. Many say they lack confidence about being a parent.
Parents of teenagers are often unprepared for this stage in their child's life.
Going to a parenting group has a good effect on parents' feelings and on how they manage their children's behavior.

Early days: The joy of holding your newborn baby as he or she looks at the world for the first time can be magical. Having a child opens you up to feelings that are almost impossible to imagine in advance. After the birth your emotions are often so overwhelming, you can't imagine you will ever forget them. It's worth making an effort to keep some mementos so you can share your memories with others. Remembering these early days may provide just the boost you need during the times when being a parent seems more of a pain than an adventure.

First memories: Try one or more of the following: 1-Jot down in a diary your child's birth story. You could record the events leading up to the birth, the moment your child arrived and your and your partner's feelings at the time. 2-Keep a copy of a newspaper from the day of your child's birth. This will remind you of how the world was on that date. 3-Start a photo album for yourselves and your baby. 4-Get other family members to help write the family tree, complete with your new addition.

Getting it right: It's normal to wonder how good a parent you are. Perhaps you're worried that going out to work or being a lone parent will affect your child. You may worry about whether you're being firm enough, or whether you're giving your children what they need. We all hope to get it right and give a good balance of loving care and clear boundaries. There is no one right way to parent and no perfect parent out there with all the answers. True, there are some guiding ideas - all children need love and affection, to be kept safe and given limits on how they act, to be warm, fed, clothed and to have the opportunity to learn. Beyond these you'll find many different ways to bring up happy children. Remember - when you feel confident and positive, your children are more likely to feel that way too.

Support strategies: If you're feeling under pressure, don't panic. Instead try these tactics. 1-Talk over difficult choices with people you trust. Friends and relatives may have helpful ideas, or ask for advice from a professional such as your health visitor or school nurse. 2-Contact a helpline. 3-Seek out parents with children the same age as yours. You'll find you're not alone. Playgroups and parenting groups are good places to meet others. Look in your local newspaper, ask your health visitor or at school for information on local groups. 4-Trust your instincts. Don't feel you have to take advice that feels wrong for you and your family. Talk through your feelings with a friend or a professional, but learn to trust your own judgment.

Parent power: You'll use many qualities over the years, including some you never realized you had. First and foremost is an unlimited supply of love. Be prepared for the greatest demands to be made on this at inconvenient times - such as the early hours of the morning when small children are refusing to sleep or teenagers are still out having fun. Wisdom and patience are always helpful, too. Sometimes all you need to do is listen, while at other times you might have to step in and take action. And remember you have special healing powers - a kiss and calm words can soothe cuts, bruises and disappointments. Developing a high tolerance for mess is useful, along with the ability to do three or more things at the same time. Above all, though, hold on to your sense of humor and never forget that there's no such thing as the perfect parent.

BEING A FATHER

There’s little to prepare you for fatherhood, yet it’s often your greatest responsibility and most abundant source of emotion and fun.

A transformed role: Roles are changing for dads - 30 or 40 years ago it may have been taken for granted that the father was the breadwinner and head of the family. These days there's far less rigid expectations of a dad's responsibilities - couples often work together, both in and outside the home, and share responsibilities for day-to-day parenting issues. But even in the more traditional roles, the introduction of paternity leave and flexible work entitlements has provided greater opportunities for working dads to enjoy family time.

Balancing work and family: Employment has also changed and many parents now work longer hours with less job security, whether or not they’re the main breadwinner. Britons frequently spend more than 40 hours a week at work, exceeding the European average for working hours. The need to manage work pressures and the desire to participate fully in family life can be a difficult juggling act. Young children won’t understand the stresses of your working day. They’ll be eager to see you as soon as you get home and will need your time and attention, whatever you’re day's been like.

The evening routine: Set aside time each night to help with everyday tasks such as homework or getting ready for school the next day. Don’t forget playtime, but do slot it into the routine. You and your kids may enjoy rough and tumble play, but try to keep it for the start of the evening. Hyping your kids up close to bedtime will not get them in the mood for sleep. Calm activities and bath time can provide the closeness you and your children need as well as helping prepare them for bedtime.

Active participation: You may feel a little daunted about getting involved in some of your child’s activities outside the home, such as playgroup or the parent-teacher association.

There are still more women than men taking part, but this is gradually changing. Do take the plunge and get involved - whether you're a trailblazer setting up your own group or joining other parents your child will benefit by your participation.

Did you know...

Almost two-thirds of fathers are concerned about the emotional wellbeing and behavior of their children but most don't get in touch with services to obtain the support they need. A major worry for fathers is the desire to improve family life and communication.
When dads spend time talking with their sons about worries, school work and social lives, their boys grow up with greater confidence and motivation.
Boys and girls whose fathers are involved in their education when they are age seven have higher educational attainment by age 20.

Good behavior: In the past, the stereotype of mum warning, “Wait till your father gets home” showed who was supposed to be responsible for discipline in a family. This way of managing children has given way to a more positive approach to parenting in which the adult present, whether mum or dad, uses warmth, encouragement and praise to get the good behavior they want and applies any consequences for unwanted behavior straight away.

Teaching by example: For your children, you’re the most important male role model. They will be watching and copying you to learn how to behave. When they see you behaving in a sensitive and respectful way, they'll copy and understand this is how others should be treated. Good communication with your partner is needed to ensure each of you supports the other with a consistent approach to your children. Put aside time to discuss what you both consider is wanted and unwanted behavior, set the ground rules you expect the whole family to follow and agree some rewards and reasonable consequences. Setting standards for all of you will work best. For example, if your family is trying to develop good eating habits by having meals at the table, problems arise if one adult still has their meal in front of the TV.

Fathers living away: If a relationship breaks up and you end up living apart from your children, maintaining contact can be challenging and at times distressing for both you and them. The majority of children want to continue to see their father and report losing contact as the worst aspect of their parents’ separation. To make time with your children successful for all of you, both you and their other parent will need to cooperate and communicate clearly about visits. Make concrete arrangements about when and where you’ll see your children and then stick to these plans. If you're going to be early or late let the other parent know what's happening. You don’t need to plan expensive trips or gifts. Your children will benefit most from time with you doing everyday activities such as going to the park, doing schoolwork together, visiting the pool or playing at your home. Boredom can be a problem when children are away from their everyday environment. Ask if they can bring one or two favorite toys with them or keep some games for them to make sure they have a variety of things to do. When picking up or dropping children off, stick to calm discussions about contact. Keep more emotional subjects or disagreements for private conversations between you and you former partner. Whether you live with your children or not, your warm, supportive relationship promotes your child’s development.

Couple hugging each other

YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

Having a new baby in the family transforms your life. Among all the major changes, it's important to find time for your relationship with your partner.

Communication is the key: Your daily routines, social life and even what you talk about with your partner will all be different once your baby is born. Like any great change, you'll need time to get used to it. Expect some ups and downs as you work out new ways of spending time together. Along with greater closeness and your shared love for your child, there will be less time for you to be together, more decisions to be made and perhaps financial issues to tackle. How the two of you get on is important for your children too. They are learning about relationships by noticing and copying you both. When you put in the effort to make each other feel needed, you and your family will benefit.

Did you know?

Divorce rates in England and Wales are at their lowest for 20 years.
Having a satisfactory marriage leads to increased psychological wellbeing.

Seven tips for better relationships

1. Spend time alone together. Find a short time every day to share your thoughts and feelings about the little things as well as the big news. Every week or so make a date to do something you both enjoy. Arranging a babysitter or having a special meal at home can keep the fun and romance going.

2. Make plans together for your family. You may enjoy organizing an outing or holiday, sharing ideas about birthday presents or organizing family celebrations.

3. Share your hopes and dreams. You can bring ideas to life and feel closer this way.

4. Ask for what you want. You can't read each other's minds so be clear about what help you need from each other.

5. Talk about your feelings. There may be times when one of you feels left out of family life - perhaps you're at work and miss the big changes as your child walks and talks, or you can't get to the school play or sports day. Talk this over, share how you feel and work on ways to get more involved.

6. Talk about money. Make a realistic budget together.

7. Laugh together. Sharing a joke or a funny incident from your day can brighten everyone up.

Talking and listening: As your family grows and life gets busier, you'll have less chance to spend time together as a couple. When you do, conversations are likely to be filled with practical details of who's doing what and when, and you'll have less opportunity to share your thoughts and feelings. Remember when you first met and spent hours exchanging stories and secrets? This intimacy brought you together and is still needed to keep you close. Staying interested in one another and sharing an emotional life can be important to your enjoyment of each other as a couple. Once a week, try looking at and listening to your partner as if you're meeting for the first time. Notice all the things which attracted you in the first place. Refreshing your relationship like this can be as important to your family as all the effort you put into being parents.

How to be a good listener

This means more than just keeping quiet and not jumping in - though that can be hard enough!

Pay attention to the person speaking. Take the time to hear them without interrupting.
Watch out for all the non-verbal parts of a conversation. How a person looks when they talk tells you a lot about their meaning. When you're not interested in what the other person is saying you tend to look away or fidget. When you're interested, you'll lean forward and smile more. Caring words don't seem genuine when spoken with a frown or while walking away.
Make sure you understand by repeating back what your partner has said. For example: "Do you mean you feel let down?" or "You sound excited about the visit to your sister" This avoids misunderstanding and shows you've been listening carefully.
Hold back and be slow to give advice. Often your partner simply wants to tell you their story.

Make the most of couple time: To bring you closer through talking, make a time away from the children each week when you can avoid talking about family matters and focus on your relationship. Use feeling words. Talk about your emotions as well as events. Don't assume your partner knows how you feel. Keep telling each other how much you care. It's a good idea to discover more about each other, too. Take turns to ask these simple questions - you may be surprised by some of the answers.

What are your top ten favorite songs?
What are your top ten favorite movies?
What is your happiest childhood memory?
Where was the best holiday we ever took together and why?
If you could change one thing about where we live, what would it be and why?
What would be your idea of a great night out together?
What is your dream for our future?

Man staring out of window

Some relationships end suddenly, some erode over time. Whatever the circumstances, breaking up is a bleak time for all involved.

Accepting it's over: For most people, it's a shock when a relationship breaks down. Even if you've known for some time that things aren't working out, the final decision to part will stay with you for a long time. Even once it's over, it can take months for reality to sink in. During this time it's common to find yourself fantasizing about reunion and reconciliation - or recriminations.

What went wrong? Understanding why your relationship failed is the first step towards recovery. Many people get locked into questioning: Whose fault it is? What did I do wrong? How could they do that to me? This is understandable, but a more constructive approach is to focus on the relationship, rather than individual responsibility. It can be more helpful to think about these kind of questions:

How were things when we first met?
What attracted us to each other?
What made our relationship good?
How have we changed?
What external factors have influenced our relationship?
What has stopped us overcoming our differences?

Although the answers may be upsetting, the greater the understanding, the easier it'll be to let go and move on. During this time you'll experience many emotions, including anger, sadness, guilt, despair and confusion; you can expect good days and bad days.

Holding it together: On top of the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship, there's a host of practical issues to address. These might include:

The children - providing support and time, access arrangements, childcare, telling the school, seeing in-laws, birthday and Christmas arrangements.

Money and property - who lives where, surviving on less income, managing the finances, who gets what in the home, pets.

Friends and family - telling parents/siblings/extended family members/friends, deciding how much to say and who should tell whom, maintaining friendships and relationships with in-laws.

Personal survival - which friends can support you practically and/or emotionally, how you'll create space to grieve, whether you might benefit from counseling, building relaxation into your schedule, treats can you reward yourself with when times are tough. This last section is often the most neglected. After a relationship breakdown, many people find themselves struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and self-confidence, and with so many things to organize it can be easy to forget to give yourself time for your own feelings. Be gentle with yourself and gratefully receive all the support you can get from friends and family.

The children: This is undoubtedly one of the toughest times to be a parent, but your children need to know what's happening. You may think that hiding the severity of the situation protects them, but it actually leaves children feeling confused and may drive them away as they feel they can't trust you.The amount of information you give them will depend on their ages, but they should be encouraged to ask as many questions as they need. Remember, you don't have to hide your feelings to reassure them that they're loved. In fact, sharing appropriately what you feel will help them make sense of their own emotions and feel OK about showing them. Research increasingly shows the negative impact on children of separation, but the way it's handled is the key indicator of how well children adapt.

Moving on: It's normal to feel anxious and fearful when life's changing. But with more than two in five marriages ending in divorce, you're far from alone - there's an ever-expanding network of advice and support groups available.

Positive expectations: Positive expectations may be meant to spur us on, but often they can just lead to a chronic sense of not quite making the mark - or not quite ever being good enough. At worst some people are left with a permanent sense of failure.

Negative expectations: Negative expectations on the other hand may be intended as a form of reverse psychology: "You can't do it" usually triggers the reaction "Oh yes I will". The logic of this supposedly being that you'll be motivated to do something you are told you can't do. The flaw and danger in this approach is that, despite good intentions, the recipient is left feeling undermined and insecure. Every time something goes wrong in their life it can seem to be a confirmation of all the negative predictions that were made about them. Rather than trying to prove their families wrong, they can sometimes just give up and accept what they have been made to believe is their fate - no job, no partner, no prospects and probably prison.

What can you do?

Whether positive or negative, ultimately the problem with family expectations is that they put you under pressure and you don't feel free to just be yourself. Not being able to relax and be natural will affect your relationship with your family and can lead to resentment and other problems. If you're not really bothered about the family myths about who you are, and your parents' lingering aspirations for you don't bother you then the best thing to do is nothing. Just accept that your family haven't yet totally figured you out or completely adapted to the adult version of you, and let it go. But if you feel that you can't just ignore it, then there are a number of things you can do.

The first step often is to try to have a greater understanding of just what their expectations are about. Family expectations often say more about the family member who holds them than the person they're directed at. Maybe the family member wants you to be better than they are, or maybe not like them at all. They could be trying to live through you - wanting you to achieve what they felt they couldn't. Talk to them about it and let them know how they make you feel. Tell them about the effect it has on your life. Avoid being confrontational, which rarely is successful; be honest and straightforward instead. If you don't talk about it, you can never really be sure they know.

The other important thing is to let them see the real you. Families often don't see the real us, because we don't let them. Don't collude with their expectations and pretend to be a different person at home - be yourself. Wear the clothes you would going out, smoke, drink, laugh loudly - do what you do. You may well feel a bit uncomfortable at first but in the end you'll be more relaxed and enjoy their company far more. Taking your family into your world make this easier to do. Go down to your local or have a dinner party with your friends and them. I can feel some of you gasping at the very suggestion - try it first and then reject it, you never know it might just be OK. But remember, this is a two-way process; if you want your family to see the real you, then make an effort to see the real them. You no doubt have expectations of them which could also do with a review.

SURVIVING YOUR FAMILY

Kevin

Accept it - arguing is normal
Real arguments - the ones where both sides feel absolutely passionate about an issue - are an ordinary, healthy part of family life. Ordinary because any family who says they don't argue is either fictional, lying, or harboring years of pent-up frustration. Healthy because repressing strong emotions and opinions isn't good for your head! Discussing a problem when it arises might make an argument, but it might not - so why not take a gamble?

Get what you want... the right way
There is an art to getting what you want and it doesn't involve slamming the door, bribery or violence. First, state your case (why what you want should happen) calmly and clearly, and justify why you deserve it. Then, listen to the other side of the argument, without interrupting. Finally, try to reach a conclusion that each side is happy with - this might involve some compromising on your part, but you'll earn some respect for being reasonable and this will help next time you want something.

Perry

They're human too
Just because they're older than you are, it doesn't mean that your family has nothing to offer in terms of support, friendship or understanding. Okay, it might be hard to imagine your next of kin experiencing their first sexual encounter, drunken night out or broken heart, but they've been there, done that and probably bought the really bad T-shirt. So next time there's something bothering you have a quiet word, you might be surprised.

FAMILY LIVING

Male teenager sitting on bench

So it's happened, and you're now part of a stepfamily. What next?

Stuck in the middle

If your parents have split up, you might feel torn between them but don't feel bad about getting on with your new life.
It's hard when one of your parents seems to have found a new partner and a new life, while the other is still picking up the pieces. But trying to get on with your stepfamily doesn't mean you're being disloyal - you're just trying to make the best of your new situation.
There's no reason why a new step dad or mum should replace your real parent - they can just play a different role in your life.

Student in park Too many people

It's hard to share a parent with a new family, and most people go through phases of feeling jealous, confused, angry and worried about how the dynamics will work.
It's normal to feel threatened and unsure about where you fit into your new stepfamily or to worry that your parent won't have enough time for you.
Your parent won't be trying to squeeze you out and your new family won't set out to make you unhappy - but everyone will need time to adjust. Unfortunately, parents are people too, and they don't always think through how their actions might be making you feel.
Hating your new stepfamily is normal. Everyone's bound to be making a song and dance about their place in the family, so there's going to be tension. While you probably feel like it's not your problem, if you can compromise a bit and try to be friendly and tolerant, life will probably be a lot easier.
Even if you get on with your stepfamily, you might feel guilty about it because of your other parent. Don't be - you didn't choose this and you deserve to be happy.
If you feel all alone in the crowd of your new family, talk to someone. Someone neutral (a friend, work-mate, counselor) can listen and give you an outsider's view of the situation, while someone who's gone through it themselves can give you advice.

SURVIVING STEPFAMILY

You're not my parent

Being told what to do by someone who isn't even a relative is really hard because you feel like they don't know you - so how can they know what's best for you?
Every family works differently and has a different culture. Your new family will develop its own identity, the trick is to keep calm and to say your piece without blowing your top. That way you'll have a say in the way your new family works and develops.
If you're having problems with your new step-parent, it can really help to have a formal chat with your parent and step-parent to lay down some ground rules. That way, you are all clear about what's what - what they expect from them and also what you expect from them.

Family times table

When your parent and their new partner start having kids, it can feel like you're at the bottom of the pile.
Parents tend to get very excited and a bit over emotional about new babies, so don't take it personally if they seem to be going ga-ga. Likely as not, they behaved just the same when you came along.
It's normal to feel mixed up, jealous and resentful of your parents new 'family' but getting moody won't help. They don't love you any less, even though it can feel like it because you're not getting much attention.
Having to share your parent with new siblings is a worrying thought and it's normal to feel resentful, and even people in non-stepfamilies resent their brothers and sisters.
Try and keep an open mind, and you might find having a younger brother or sister isn't so bad after all. For a start, it'll take the heat off you a bit and probably mean you'll get a bit more freedom.

Cassie's story
Young woman sitting in forest Cassie's parents broke up when she was three. She split her time between living with her Dad's new family and her mum.

"It was a confusing time with lots of upheaval. My step mum moved in with her two children. I don't remember my Dad being there much, so it was like living with a completely new family - one that didn't want me around. I was extra baggage and not exactly easy to live with at that time. Then my half-sister came along and suddenly all the existing children were dropped. I hated her, I hated my step mum and I didn't know my Dad! I missed my mum but she was in no position to take us for more than a day every month." "10 years later my step mum suddenly established herself as a very good friend and I became a slightly awkward but loveable stepdaughter/stepsister! I can't imagine being without my step mum, stepbrother, stepsister and half-sister now. In my opinion, the misery of years 3-15 are far outweighed by a brilliant extended family now."

Young girl

CHILD CARE, FOSTERING, RIGHTS AND ABUSE

At any one time, there are around 78,000 children and young people looked after 'in care' in the UK. This means that they are living in either foster care or a children's home because their parent (s), for different reasons, are unable to look after them. This could be for short or long periods of time.

Care Orders
If a child is subject to a Care Order, this means that the Social Services and the Courts have made a decision that they should be looked after by the local authority and not by their parent (s). There are a number of ways in which the local authority can recommend to the Court that a child is taken into care. A teacher, a relative or someone else may be concerned that a child is at risk of harm. A child or a young person can also ask to be taken into care. When a child is taken into care, the local authority will arrange for them to live in a children's home or with foster carers until they are able to return to live with their birth family. Staying in care can last for a number of weeks to a number of years, depending on the child's circumstances.

Reasons for care
The reasons why children come into care are varied. They include family problems, low income, abuse and neglect. There are also numbers of children who are seeking asylum in the UK and are living in care. Less than 3% of children in care are there because of their socially unacceptable behavior.

Who does the caring?
Most children in care (68%) live with foster carers, 6% live in children's homes, and approximately 6% are placed for adoption, where they are permanently and legally looked after by the person who adopts them. The rest of the children are likely to be placed in boarding schools or may be living at home with their parents, but are supervised by the local authority. Most children say that they are scared and unhappy about being taken into care. Sometimes they say they don't understand the reasons. This means that the social worker and the carers who are responsible for the child need to explain the reasons carefully and to support the child as they come to terms with their new situation and their rights.

Teenager with sisters Why are people fostered?
All families have their ups and downs. Sometimes, for many different reasons, a family may not be able to cope. When a family breaks down it is often the children who suffer - they may feel confused or upset, or may be neglected or abused in some way. If your parents are struggling to cope with their problems, you might be looked after by the local authority for a while. This means that other people (a foster carer or family) will look after you while social workers try to help your family deal with their problems. You may only be separated from your family for a short time, during which you may be placed in a children's home or live with a foster carer.

Mother and child

You will only be placed here for a short time, until you are either able to go back to your own (birth) family or move on to a more long-term foster home. While you're placed here social workers will work with you, your family, and your foster carers to work out what is best for you and to make short or long-term plan for your future. The majority of children who are fostered do go back to live with their family. However, if after help from social services your family still isn't able to cope, social workers will try to find a new home for you where you can belong to a family. Sometimes this will be with an adoptive family, but more usually it will be with a more permanent foster family. The first and most important thing you must realize is that everyone has what's best for you in mind, even if it doesn't always feel that way. Whatever you're feeling the best thing you can do to improve the situation is to talk about it. Tell your carers what's bothering you and ask them to explain what is happening. They're fully trained to understand what you're going through, and should be there to talk to you about how you feel, so speak up.

ABUSE: YOUR RIGHTS

However old you are, you're as important as everyone else. You have rights. No one should be able to stop you from:

saying what you think, be listened to and be taken seriously in all matters that affect you
having an education
growing up healthy
having a good enough standard of living, including a place to live, food and clothing
being equal - not being discriminated against
having your best interests put first when decisions are made about you
being protected from harm, abuse and violence.

If someone does something that stops you from experiencing any of these things, or if someone harms you in any way there's people who want to know about it so they can help you out. There are laws to protect you: the Children Act (England and Wales) and the Children Order (Northern Ireland) both make sure that professionals, like social services, the police and teachers, have a responsibility for your safety and are able to provide info and support.

What makes a parent?

The parenting challenge

Did you know?

Active participation: You may feel a little daunted about getting involved in some of your child’s activities outside the home, such as playgroup or the parent-teacher association.

There are still more women than men taking part, but this is gradually changing. Do take the plunge and get involved - whether you're a trailblazer setting up your own group or joining other parents your child will benefit by your participation.

Did you know...

YOU AND YOUR PARTNER

Did you know?

Seven tips for better relationships

How to be a good listener

Holding it together: On top of the emotional turmoil that accompanies the end of a relationship, there's a host of practical issues to address. These might include:

Moving on: It's normal to feel anxious and fearful when life's changing. But with more than two in five marriages ending in divorce, you're far from alone - there's an ever-expanding network of advice and support groups available.

Recommended reading

Positive expectations: Positive expectations may be meant to spur us on, but often they can just lead to a chronic sense of not quite making the mark - or not quite ever being good enough. At worst some people are left with a permanent sense of failure.

What can you do?