Sex with an ex

Photo: Even Sex and the City's Samantha Jones, played by Kim Cartrall, is leery of hitting the sack with a former lover.

There you are, sitting alone on a Saturday night, eating stale Doritos and watching reruns of Seinfeld. It wouldn't be so bad, except you have an itch, a sexual itch that is, in need of scratching. You start flipping through your brain's Rolodex and realize that other than the slightly weird person in accounting who flirts with you, there are no real prospects on the horizon. Big-time loser feelings start seeping into your every pore. Panic ensues. Your mind wanders back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start fantasizing about his/her soft, warm body up against yours in your nice, cosy bed. Without thinking, you pick up the phone. He/she answers. You try to make some small talk, but it is of no use. You ask him/her to come over for a "drink." Both of you know that's code for "Let's have sex tonight." He/she finally arrives, your legs sore from twitching. In a mad scramble to rip each other's clothes off, there is little or no thought given to consequences. Sex with an ex: Good idea to keep your sexual juices flowing during the transition time, or bad mistake that will keep you messed up longer? As every breakup is different, doing some analysis might save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain. First, know you are not some freak because you want to have sex with the same person you spent days (maybe weeks or even years) getting all bent out of shape over after the breakup. Sex can comfortably numb the I'm-a-big-fat-loser worries, the short-term pain and panic. It is convenient and semi reliable. As well, yours is an established relationship, so all the preamble of getting to know each other and the weirdness of seeing each other naked does not exist. Your ex is (hopefully) clean of any sexually transmitted diseases. Also, you might have gone through a lot together and, on some level, only he/she can understand you. Now let's look at the other side of this equation. Never fool yourself. As much as you want to believe sex is simply sex and nothing more, the act is a ticking bomb of many emotions waiting to go off. To start with, count the time elapsed since your separation. The fresher the breakup, the stronger both your favourable and angry emotions for this person will be. Conversely, the longer your relationship has been over and done with, the better chance those dormant emotions will be jolted back to life. In this confused moment, the need for sex can be a clever cover for a need of an emotional reconnection with another human being. If the sex is good, you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Due to these confused emotions, it is easy to start playing the come here/go away game, and moving on may take a lot longer than necessary. Next is being OK with the hard core reality of your situation. Before you have sex, are you willing to re-establishing safe sex practices? Or are you in denial that your partner is not messing around behind your back. Are you ready, in the aftermath of sex, when your ex starts exhibiting the traits that had you breaking up in the first place? Know you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled, because after he/she leaves, you will again be partnerless. What if he/she never calls you back, and shame-faced you realizes you were simply his/her booty call for the evening? And speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for the eventuality of when your ex tells you he/she has moved on to the next partner? If you are all right with all of this, then go ahead, have tons of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower when you feel your resolve wearing thin. Do whatever it takes to stop you from calling him/her. One great thing that comes out of having sex with an ex is the valuable lesson learned: Ultimately, satisfying an urge at the sacrifice of self-worth is never worth it -- even if the sex is amazing. Samantha Jones, the infamous character from Sex and the City, put it best: "Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good, you can't get it anymore. If it's bad, you just had sex with an ex."-By Dr. Tina Reed

CHEMISTRY OF LOVE

Loving, affectionate, passionate, tender, electrifying or simply unforgettable -- a kiss can be many things.

Photo: Feels so good!

Know that dizzy feeling, pounding heart and weak-in-the-knees sensation after a long kiss? An exhibition in Berlin now sheds light on the hormones at play in the body when two people lock in a passionate embrace.

But not too many people would think of serotonin, phenylethylamin or norepinephrine while locked in a passionate embrace. What may sound incredulously long and difficult to pronounce, are in fact the chemical substances which have the command over the emotions of passion and love in the human body. To find out more about these chemical substances, a trip to an exhibition in Berlin might be worthwhile. Called "The Kiss. Magic and Chemistry: Our Body, Health and Nutrition," the exhibition, which began Thursday, is part of the Germany-wide "Year of Chemistry" and will be moving to Leipzig and Stuttgart later. Visitors to the exhibition can dive into a simulated laboratory of the human body through a multimedia tunnel where they can see and hear the reactions that a kiss can trigger within seconds: the breathing rate quickens, the pulse races, arteries expand, and an improved blood flow stimulates circulation.

Good old lovin' around for ages: According to ethnologists, mankind has been cuddling and making out since ancient times. Even Salomon’s song in the Bible makes a passionate appeal for a kiss: "Come and kiss me! Your love intoxicates me even more than wine." More historical evidence can be found in Roman poet Ovid's detailed description of the correct way to smooch in his "Ars amatoria" (Art of Loving). But though kissing may date back to time immemorial, science has only turned its attention towards it some 30 years ago, when it began analyzing the chemistry of the kiss as a hormonal bombshell in the body. Scientists have discovered that kissing is much like an energy injection, strengthening the immune system and reducing stress. "We now know a lot about hormones and their effects, though we still don’t know all the functions of the brain," Klaus Hartmann, who conceived the exhibition for the German research ministry, said.

Blame it on the chemicals: One thing is clear: it’s not the heart that’s responsible for passion and love, but rather a 100 billion nerve cells and 1000 neurotransmitters. A wildly passionate kiss sends out signals to the brain which trigger the mood-boosting hormone serotonin. As a result, the person feels more relaxed and balanced. The best known love-related chemical phlenylethylamin or PEA as it is called then works much like Cupid’s arrow : it stimulates erotic sensations and contributes to that top-of-the-world feeling. Another euphoria-inducing chemical in the brain is norepinephrine, which stimulates the production of adrenaline and makes your blood pressure soar when you’re near the person you’re attracted to -- yet another explanation for the pounding heart and sweaty palms when meeting the person one fancies.

Go ahead and kiss! It's good for you! Surveys show that Germans dispense with two to three kisses a day. Going by that figure, by the time they turn 70, they’ve spent 76 days just kissing. But kissing is no waste of time, and it's healthy too. Just puckering your lips as you prepare to smooch, exercises all 34 facial muscles at the same time, endowing zealous kissers with smooth, wrinkle-free skin. Americans Eddi Leven and Delphine Orha can probably boast the smoothest skin as they set a world record for the longest kiss: 17 days and 9 hours. U.S. researchers are convinced that kissing is the elixir to a happy, healthier life. They discovered in studies that people who leave home in the morning with a smooch from their beloved, are more likely to be professionally successful, pay less visits to the doctor and are less inclined to have accidents.  From a scientific point of view, a passionate kiss is supposed to provide the same kick that a 25 gram chocolate bar can -- with a crucial advantage: it doesn’t make you fat! No wonder there are signs all over the exhibition that say, "Necking allowed!"

Bald Jealousy

One German woman tried to fight her love rival with a potion more potent than a love tonic.