FAMOUS GOSSIPS AND  INSULTS BY AND ABOUT FAMOUS MEN                                                           

From the Desk of Hillary Crawford. From The Candy Man Series

About Larry King: "Do you mind Larry,  if I sit back a little? Because your breath is very bad." Donald Trump. About Winston Churchill: "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one. "  George Bernard Shaw talking to  Winston Churchill. And here is the reply of the British Prime Minister: "Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one. "About Pat Buchanan: "He is racist, he's homophobic, he's xenophobic and he's a sexist. He's the perfect Republican candidate." Bill Press. About Ernest Borgnine: "Oh my God, look at you, Ernest, anyone else hurt in the accident?" Don Rickles. About William Gladstone: "A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments to malign an opponent and to glorify himself." Benjamin Disraeli. About Abbie Hoffman: "He had a charisma that must have come out of an immaculate conception between Fidel Castro and Groucho Marx. They went into his soul and he came out looking like an ethnic milkshake--Jewish revolutionary, Puerto Rican lord, Italian street kid, Black Panther with the old Afro haircut, even a glint of Irish gunman in the mad, green eyes." Norman Mailer.  About Hurbert Humphrey: "Any political party that can't cough up anything better than a treacherous brain-damaged old vulture like Hubert Humphrey deserves every beating it gets. They don't hardly make 'em like Hubert any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway." Hunter S. Thompson. About Harrison Grey Otis: "He sits there in senile dementia with a gangrene heart and rotting brain, grimacing at every reform, chattering impotently at all things that are decent, frothing, fuming, violently gibbering, going down to his grave in snarling infamy ... disgraceful, depraved ... and putrescent." Hiram Johnson.  About Oscar Wilde: "The ineffable dunce has nothing to say and says it with a liberal embellishment of bad delivery, embroidering it with reasonless vulgarities of attitude, gesture and attire. There never was an impostor so hateful, a blockhead so stupid, a crank so variously and offensively daft. He makes me tired." Ambrose Bierce.  About Mosher Dayan: "Don't be so humble, Moshe, you're not that great." Golda Meir. John McEnroe talking to  a line judge: "You can't see as well as these fucking flowers - and they're fucking plastic."

About Arnold Schwarzenegger: "  Arnold Schwarzenegger looks like a condom full of walnuts."  Clive James. About Chevy Chase: "He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner." Johnny Carson. About Montgomery Clift: "He acts like he's got a Mixmaster up his ass and doesn't want anyone to know it." Marlon Brando. About Gary Cooper: "He got a reputation as a great actor by just thinking hard about the next line." King Vidor.  About Colin Farrell: "I've got three words for him: Am. A. Teur." Charlie Sheen. About Clark Gable: "His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open." Howard Hughes. About Steve Martin: "Steve Martin has basically one joke and he's it." Dave Felton. About Chico Max:  "Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here. There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad." Groucho Marx.  About Walter Matthau: "He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog." John Simon. About Steve McQueen: "His features resembled a fossilized wash rag." Alan Brien. About Robert Redford: "He has turned almost alarmingly blond - he's gone past platinum, he must be plutonium; his hair is coordinated with his teeth."  Pauline Kael.  "Poor little man, they made him out of lemon Jell-O and there he is. He's honest and hardworking but he's not great." Adela Rogers St. John. "Well at least he has finally found his true love … what a pity he can't marry himself. " Frank Sinatra. About Mickey Rooney: "His favorite exercise is climbing tall people." Phyllis Diller. About Quentin Tarantino: "He has the vocal modulation of a railway-station announcer, the expressive power of a fence-post and the charisma of a week-old head of lettuce. "  Fintan O'Toole. About John McEnroe: "McEnroe was as charming as always, which means that he was as charming as a dead mouse in a loaf of bread."  Clive James. About Dennis Rodman: "Beyond the hair, tattoos and earrings, he's just like you and me." Bob Hill. "Dennis has become like a prostitute, but now it's gotten ridiculous, to the point where he will do anything humanly possible to make money." Charles Barkley. "He has so many fish hooks in his nose, he looks like a piece of bait." Bob Costas. About Chuck Berry: "I love his work but I couldn't warm to him even if I was cremated next to him." Keith Richards. About Mick Jagger: "I think Mick Jagger would be astounded and amazed if he realized to how many people he is not a sex symbol but a mother image." David Bowie. "He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." Truman Capote. About Boy George: "Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress." Joan Rivers.

About Bruce Springsteen: "He plays four-and-a-half-hour sets. That's torture. Does he hate his audience?" John Lydon. About Rod Stewart: "He was so mean it hurt him to go to the bathroom." Britt Eklund . About Richard Wagner: "I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws."  Charles Baudelaire.  "Wagner was a monster. He was anti-Semitic on Mondays and vegetarian on Tuesdays. On Wednesday he was in favor of annexing Newfoundland, Thursday he wanted to sink Venice, and Friday he wanted to blow up the pope." Tony Palmer. "Wagner's music is better than it sounds."  Edgar Wilson "Bill" Nye. "Listening to the Fifth Symphony of Ralph Vaughan Williams is like staring at a cow for forty-five minutes." Aaron Copland. About President George W. Bush (Son): "He is like a bad comic working the crowd. A moron, if you'll pardon the expression." Martin Sheen. About President Jimmy Carter: "He is your typical smiling, brilliant, back-stabbing, bullshitting southern nut-cutter." Lane Kirkland.  About President Johnson: "He turned out to be so many different characters he could have populated all of War and Peace and still had a few people left over." Herbert Mitgang. About President Richard Nixon: "Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon." Abbie Hoffman.  "He bleeds people. He draws every drop of blood and then drops them from a cliff. He'll blame any person he can put his foot on." Martha Mitchell.  "He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them." James Reston. "He is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar....He's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides." Harry S Truman . "He was like a kamikaze pilot who keeps apologizing for the attack." Mary McGrory. "Here is a guy who's had a stake driven through his heart. I mean, really nailed to the bottom of the coffin with a wooden stake, and a silver bullet through the forehead for good measure -- and yet he keeps coming back." Ted Koppel . "I may not know much, but I know chicken shit from chicken salad." Lyndon Johnson. "I worship the quicksand he walks in." Art Buchwald. "Nixon's motto was: If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." Norman Cousins . "Sir Richard-the-Chicken-Hearted." Hubert H. Humphrey. About President Ronald Reagan: "A triumph of the embalmer's art." Gore Vidal. "Compared to the Clintons, Reagan is living proof that a Republican with half a brain is better than a Democrat with two." P.J. O'Rourke. "He doesn't die his hair - he's just prematurely orange." Gerald Ford.  "He doesn't die his hair, he bleaches his face." Johnny Carson.  "He has a chance to make somebody move over on Mount Rushmore. He's working for his place on the coins and the postage stamps." Henry Graff "I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness." Steve Martin. "I think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks." Robin Williams. "In the heat of a political lifetime, he innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gum balls in a quiche." Lucy Howard. "People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House. He makes a Macy's Thanksgiving Day float look ridiculous. I think he's slowly but surely regressing into movies again. In his mind he's looking at dailies, playing dailies over and over." Robin Williams. "The youthful sparkle in his eyes is caused by his contact lenses, which he keeps highly polished." Sheila Graham.  "Washington could not tell a lie; Nixon could not tell the truth; Reagan cannot tell the difference." Mort Sahl

About Michael Johnson: "Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman." Molly Ivins. "Michael Jackson's album was only called "Bad" because there wasn't enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic." Prince. "Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool." Bill Maher. "He hasn't just lost the plot, he's lost the whole library! ". Melody Maker "He now looks like a Barbie doll that has been whittled at by a malicious brother. "Thomas Sutcliffe. "With his womanly voice, stark white skin and Medusa hair, his gash of red lipstick, heavy eyeliner, almost nonexistent nose and lopsided face, Jackson was making his TV appearance in order to scotch all rumors that he is not quite normal. " Craig Brown  from The Times of London. About Jon Bon Jovi: "He sounds like he's got a brick dangling from his willy, and a food-mixer making purée of his tonsils." Paul Lester.  About Tommy Lee: "Pamela Lee said her name is tattooed on her husband's penis. Which explains why she changed her name from Anderson to Lee." Conan O'Brien. About John Lennon: "He could be a maneuvering swine, which no one ever realized." Paul McCartney. About Liberace: "A deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, mincing heap of mother love." William Connor About Paul McCartney: "He has become the oldest living cute boy in the world. " Anna Quindlen. About George Michael: "Sleeping with George Michael would be like having sex with a groundhog." Boy George. About Willie Nelson: When you talk to him, he looks at you and grins and grins and nods and nods and appears to be the world's best listener, until you realize he is not listening at all." Larry L. King. About Cole Porter: "He sang like a hinge." Ethel Merman. About Elvis Presley: "Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether." Greil Marcus. "Presley sounded like Jayne Mansfield looked - blowsy and loud and low."  Julie Burchill.   About Robert Mitchum: " You're like a pay toilet, Robert,  aren't you? You don't give a shit for nothing." Howard Hughes. Don Rickles talking to David Letterman on the Late Show: " Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?" About Ernest Hemingway: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner. About William Faulkner: "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? Ernest Hemingway.  About Muhammad Ali: "He's phony, using his blackness to get his way." Joe Frazier.    About Joe Frazier: "Joe Frazier is so ugly he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife." Muhammad Ali. About Elton John: "His writing is limited to songs for dead blondes." Keith Richards.

About Keith Richards: "I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago." Elton John.  Lady Astor talking to Winston Churchill:" If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee." And Churchill replied: " If you were my wife, I'd drink it."  About Warren Beatty: "He's the type of man who will end up dying in his own arms." Mamie Van Doren . "The only reason he had a child is so that he can meet babysitters. "David Letterman. "You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you." Carly Simon (About Warren Beatty). About Clint Eastwood running for mayor of Carmel: "What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" Ronald Reagan.  About Marlon Brando: "Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper." Rex Reed. John Montague talking to  John Wilkes: "You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease." Wilkes replied: "That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."  Oscar Wilde talking to Sarah Bernhardt: " Do you mind if I smoke?" Bernhardt replied: "I don't care if you burn." Frederic Leighton talking to James McNeill Whistler: "My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them?". Whistler replied: "My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours?" About President Bill Clinton: "Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much confined to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes." Pat Buchanan. "I'm just sick and tired of presidents who jog. Remember, if Bill Clinton wins, we're going to have another four years of his white thighs flapping in the wind." Arianna Huffington. "When I was president, I said I was a Ford, not a Lincoln. Well what we have now is a convertible Dodge." Gerald Ford. "President Clinton apparently gets so much action that every couple of weeks they have to spray WD-40 on his zipper." David Letterman. About Prince: "Bambi with testosterone." Owen Gleiberman. "He looks like a dwarf who's been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair."  Boy George.   About Keith Richards: "Even the deaf would be traumatized by prolonged exposure to the most hideous croak in Western culture. Richards's voice is simply horrible." Nick Coleman. About President George Bush (Father): "A pin-stripin' polo-playin' umbrella-totin' Ivy-leaguer, born with a silver spoon so far in his mouth that you couldn't get it out with a crowbar. Bill Baxley. "He can't help it - he was born with a silver foot in his mouth." Ann Richards.   "He' a Boy Scout with a hormone imbalance." Kevin Phillips.    "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head."  Jim Hightower. "Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town." Tom Clancy. About Vice President Dan  Quayle: "Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put together." Matt Groening. "If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?" John Cleese.